Outings

Yesterday I went out with a friend. I knew in advance she wanted to go out for lunch, so I didn’t eat before we went out, hoping that would help me be more ok with eating and keeping it down. It didn’t, in the end, but at least I tried. We also went to the spice store and each got some spice blends. I got one for meat, one for fish, one for veggies, and a pumpkin pie spice blend to put in my coffee. After the spice store, my friend, who I met in treatment 4 years ago so who knows about my eating disorder, could tell I was still struggling from lunch, so she asked if we needed to go somewhere else to keep my mind off of wanting to purge. So we went to a little boutique and looked around a bit, but everything was SUPER expensive. Then we went to Walmart because I needed contact solution and socks and she needed a pie plate. I also picked up a few Halloween decorations.

This morning, I got up at 6am and walked an hour to the closest gym. When I got there, I did resistance training, and then an hour of hard cardio. Afterward, I was too spent to walk an hour home. I don’t have a car. So I got a ride home from my dad, who, I might add, was not pleased about having to come pick me up. But I feel good about my workout, if not about not being able to get home on my own. Hopefully if I keep going, I can work up to being able to walk home. Maybe I’ll take an uber home for a bit until I can walk there and back.

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Not the news I expected

I saw my psychiatrist today. My counselor had told him about my purging, but we talked about it too. He agrees with my counselor that I need a higher level of treatment. However, he refused to put in the referral until I tell my surgeon what I’m doing. This really frustrated me. My counselor and psychiatrist have been trying to get me to tell my surgeon about my eating disorder for a while now and I’ve refused every time. This time, apparently, they felt like they had something to hold over me to get me to do it. I almost was like, “screw you, I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing, I’m not telling my surgeon.” However, in the end, I did agree to tell my surgeon.

I’m super not excited about this. I DO NOT want my surgeon knowing about my eating disorder. However, I really do want the help at this point. So, I sent my surgeon an email this morning after my appointment. I haven’t heard back yet, which is unusual as he usually gets back to me very quickly. Oh well, we’ll see where this all goes. My psychiatrist wants me to go get labs to check my electrolytes and such. They’ll probably come back normal. They always do, no matter how much I purge.

Out of control

 

My purging is completely out of control at this point. I’ve eaten (not binged) and purged 7 times today, and will probably purge at least once more before I go to bed in a couple hours.  I’m really worried I’m going to do something like blow out my stomach or cause it to get stuck in my esophagus. But even knowing the increased risks because of my surgery hasn’t helped me stop purging. I’m actually kind of scared at this point. And exhausted. And sore. But none of that stops me. I now am hoping I get approved (both by my psychiatrist and insurance) for higher level of treatment.

Camp out

I went camping this weekend. I was going to try to not purge over the weekend because I didn’t really want to purge in a camp bathroom, but I just couldn’t not purge all weekend. I feel like my purging is completely out of control now. I almost hope that I end up in a higher level of care now. However, I was supposed to be taking a trip in early October, and depending on which program I end up in, I may not be able to go on my trip. Plus, I’m still worried about getting my school work done.

Stepping up

I met with my counselor yesterday. I had the very difficult discussion about how I am purging again. As I predicted, she wants me to step up to a higher level of care. I don’t know whether that’ll be the evening intensive outpatient program or partial hospitalization, but one of those is her goal. She’s going to talk to my psychiatrist and ask him whether he agrees. If he agrees, then they’ll start the process, and hope my insurance covers it.

I feel conflicted. Part of me does want to get better. But part of me doesn’t, and both parts are warring inside me right now. I also worry about being able to complete this semester while in treatment. Luckily, my classes are online. But will I have the time to finish them? Especially if I go into PHP. Also an issue is how I’ll get to treatment. I don’t have a car. Right now I uber anywhere I need to go. However, I can’t afford to be ubering back and forth to treatment daily. This is all stuff I need to figure out. If I do the PHP program, I may be able to stay in the program house and that would solve at least the transportation issue, though I have no idea how much it costs to stay in the house during treatment.

I just want to not feel so out of control all the time, and right now I do feel out of control. It freaks me out and makes my symptoms worse.

Finally, I’m nervous to do the EIOP because I tried doing it last year and I didn’t like the way it was run and I clashed a lot with the director. I don’t know whether they have the same director, but if they do, I’m not looking forward to seeing her again at all. I took myself out of the program early last time because I couldn’t deal with the director and how she was running it.

Oh well. All I can do right now is wait and see if my psychiatrist even thinks I need a higher level of care.

Stress and Purging

I have been very depressed this week. Self-harm and purging have been at a high. I am floundering in school. I need to find, read, and report on 60 pages of research before Friday and I’ve made it through 12 pages. Instead, I’ve been watching documentaries on people with eating disorders. Not to learn anything, because I know it all, but maybe for solidarity?

I feel so alone right now. I feel like the world is on my shoulders and I don’t know how to cope with it. I feel like I can’t live up to the expectations others have for me, or that I have for myself. I can’t even manage my finances properly. I just feel lost. I don’t know what to do about it. I tried explaining to my mom last night how overwhelmed by life I feel and it felt like she just brushed it off as no big deal.

I wish I knew how to turn off the incessant need for food that my head tells me I have. I want to just stop eating and fade away. But I don’t know how to do that. I’m not wired that way anymore. So I eat, feel guilty, and purge. This happens like 5-6 times a day. But even purging doesn’t take the guilt from eating away, so I self-harm. And then I feel sad and depressed so I self-harm to numb myself.

Tomorrow I’m supposed to see my counselor, However, I don’t actually have money to get there because I mismanaged my finances. I may be able to get a ride, but I don’t know yet whether or not I can. I’m supposed to cancel at least 24 hours in advance. It’s too late to cancel, or I get charged $70 for not showing up. I clearly don’t have $70. So hopefully I can get that ride.

I was the turkey all along!

Hello, WordPress! This is my first post on my new blog and I’m so excited to meet you all! I recommend reading the About Carmen page to learn more about me and my journey that brought me to the point that I’m at. As I mention there, I’ve struggled with eating disorders basically my whole life, and recently I had weight loss surgery, specifically the vertical sleeve gastrectomy.

I see a counselor every week about my eating disorder, and yet, amidst that, I got the surgery hoping it would be a forced anorexia for me as I was stuck in a perpetual cycle of binging and purging. Don’t ask how I got approved for the surgery. I basically shouldn’t have. I admit to not being completely honest with the psychiatrist who did my psych eval. I DON’T recommend this.

Anyway, the forced restriction from the surgery greatly triggered my eating disorder and I basically stopped eating for a while. Then, I slowly started reintroducing food, but struggled so much with that psychologically that I started purging everything I eat. I am REALLY struggling right now. I am torn between feeling like I should recover and just not wanting to.

I see my counselor on Thursday after a 2 week break and I’m nervous about it. I have a feeling if I tell her I am purging again she will want me to go into a higher level of care. Meanwhile, I am contemplating just quitting treatment altogether. I have a lot to think about and figure out before Thursday.